Def: o'kay ter'ri'fic: 1.common expression of muted astonishment due to being surrounded by amazing stupidity, without quite knowing what else to say. 2.expression that usually precedes the changing of a subject brought up by an individual who is perfectly clueless to anything or anyone outside their own narcissistic corner of the universe. Origin: Unknown

Location: Bergen County, New Jersey, United States

Steven Hill is the author of the independently published A VOICE ABOVE THE DIN, available at www.lulu.com/holbrookhill, or Amazon or B&N.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

So You Need a Job?


Thoroughly corrupt Chief Financial Officer wanted to cook the books for a large Fortune 50 corporation. Respondents to this position must meet ALL requirements listed below. Must be able to start immediately, before tomorrow’s opening bell.

1. Must possess superior aptitude and finesse at fending off SEC probes and investigations, using diversion and/or bribing techniques.
2. Must have in-depth knowledge of questionable accounting principles and mismanagement of ridiculously large amounts of funds.
3. Must be adept at concealing corporate expenditure reports numbering in the billions.
4. Must have an untraceable track record of white-collar crime directly related to corporate downsizing leading to Chapter 11 declarations.
5. Must be composed enough to swindle and smooth talk into complacency irate shareholders at quarterly board meetings.
6. Must quickly & discreetly notify all fellow executives and important celebrity shareholders of plummeting stock value, BEFORE the action takes place.
7. Must possess enough insider knowledge to convince thousands of worldwide employees to join bogus corporate 401K programs, invest in shady company stock options, and contribute to the annual holiday party.
8. Must be able to soothe the tensions of angry masses of employees who believe the rumors that their entire life savings and retirement funds are being diverted to the tax-free offshore accounts of company executives. (Our experience shows that timely, well-constructed memos, as well as, corporate picnics complete with clowns have helped in this regard, though we are open to fresh ideas and new approaches.)
9. Must employ sufficient supervisory experience to effectively subjugate potential whistleblowers into cowardly impotence, using physical threats to employee and/or family members if necessary.
10. Must be able to surreptitiously use office shredder for potentially harmful docs while coquettishly engaging in 'office water cooler banter'.
11. A Masters Degree in accounting from a snobbish Ivy League institution that specializes in molding fresh-faced recruits into greedy, amoral, conscience-bereft, shark-like individuals is MANDATORY for this position.
12. A horribly shallow home life in an ostentatious yet empty house, including, but not limited to: a bitter, disenchanted debutante wife; neglected lonely children who lack respect for their elders and who will one day spit on your grave; and an incontinent dog that keeps messing on the carpet, is PREFERABLE, though not required.

If you feel you match the above description, then we want to hear from you! Our global, oppressively greedy, monopolistic corporation offers a competitive base salary of seventeen figures, with potential bonuses rivaling that of the gross national product of all the third world countries put together. We also offer full health benefits, (blue-collar employee ONLY contributory), as well as an on-site, executive-members ONLY five-star spa and fitness center. This position comes with a generous travel expense account featuring unlimited use of a fleet of private Gulf Stream jets and limousines, complementary exclusive Augusta National Club memberships (male execs only), and regular jaunts to our corporate-owned resorts in Grand Cayman and Monaco, or our private Bahamian Island, along with periodic rendezvous’ at our luxurious cottage-for-the-mistress in the Tuscan countryside.

If interested, please fax your resume and cv to: 877-CAPITALISMATITSBEST
*This advertisement paid for jointly by the US Labor & Justice Departments


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